how great quotes are born

Andy: You see, that is the art [pause] of finesse...
Cassy: [typing furiously] That's going in the blog.
Andy: What? [confused] Oh, let's just create a constant scripture of the movements coming out of my mouth... [sarcastically]

tough crowd

“It’s like you’ve grown up in the bloody outback, ‘cos you’re hard as nails…”
Andy to an unimpressed Cassy after she declares his Xmas cracker joke* unblogworthy

* Q: What do you call Snoopy dressed as a doctor? A: A dogter

soapbox

Leigh-Ann: Andy… what are you saying? Are you talking to yourself?
Andy: Nah I’m talking at large man, so listen in…

five star

"If there’s five boxes, you will tick each one. In a positive way."
Andy reviews Melbourne's controversial tram car restaurant

consider things from another point of view

"I just want to sit on a mountain ledge and throw paper aeroplanes. I want to see the tranquility that it brings, seeing the planes just flying in the wind, the way they float..."
Andy reclining in Cassy’s chair while she is out of the office

say what?

“How can one manifest delectable pages under circumstances such as this?”
A uniquely Andy spin on the standard gripe: How Am I Supposed To Work In These Conditions?

journey to the new world

“So I did the right thing and I waited til the presentations were finished and everyone was having their tea party with their scones and whatnot and I said, ‘Excuse me, I don’t want to be rude or anythin’, but I think you’ll find that traditionally it is wattle. I want the one in the corner, thanks.”
On the eve of his 10 year anniversary as an Australian citizen, Andy reflects on a disappointing welcome ceremony in which he was gifted with Mondo grass instead of wattle

Later…

Cassy: “So did you take it home and plant it in your backyard?”

Andy: “Nah, I gave it to Barbs’ mum.”

Cassy: “Andy! After all that effort I thought you would have planted it at home and sat in its shade eating lamingtons.”

Andy: “Yeah well people move on. Times change, y’know?”

delusions of grandeur

"What did you say again, Andy?"
Midway through transcribing a quote Loz is lost for words and decides to go to the source

"I've told you, I don't do that. I just give you the material. That's like asking the Dalai Lama to to repeat his quotes..."

hero worship

"...Branson's an ideas man, we've all ascertained this..."
Andy, mid-way through another Sir Richard rave

silent treatment

"You should do it Andy, it would be a talking point."
Cassy on creative housepainting, Pollock-style

"I'm done talking." Andy, unmoved

spelling bee

Kate: You can't spell, can you Andy?
Andy: Hit me. Give me a word. Tsunami? T-S-U-
Kate: Predilection.
Andy: What's that? When you're thinking of what number to dial?

sorry, wrong number

"Good afternoon?” Andy, answering the office phone.
“Nah, nah… sorry, not here.”

“Who were they looking for?” Leigh-Ann inquires

“They were looking for… inspiration.”

'tis the season...

Andy is vainly trying to convince everyone his alcohol consumption at the last office Christmas party was minimal, but they aren't buying it.

Cassy: “Come on Andy, if you can’t have a few jars at the Christmas party when can you?”

Andy: “Well... that is a fantastic mantra to hold. I like your methodology.”

picture perfect

"That's a good one, 'cos that's iconic innit?"
Andy admiring one of his race photos

the zen of andy

Cassy: “I can’t find a copy of their last ad to put in the job bag.”
Andy: “Don’t worry about it.”
Cassy: “But what if there’s some horrible misunderstanding?”
Andy: “Then that’s what happens.”
Cassy: “You’re so Zen, Andy.”
[long pause, Andy whistles]
Andy: [to no one in particular] “Zen and now...”

publishing in-joke

Cassy: “I was entertaining myself this morning by going back through Andy's blog - I'd forgotten how hilarious it was.”
Leigh-Ann: “All those gems...”
Andy: [modestly] “Maybe we should do a reprint.”

mojo returns #3

Andy arrives back from lunch clutching a Baker’s Delight bag the size of a potato sack and a family pack of BBQ chips.

Cassy: You carb-loading for the marathon, Andy?
Andy: Nah I’m just hungry, man. Hungry like the wolf.

mojo returns #2

"I feel like a tree: sturdy at the bottom and a bit more wobbly as you go up."
Four days out from competing in the Melbourne Half Marathon, Andy evaluates his fitness level

mark of a patriot

Andy: Hey Judith, do you have any tattoos? Like a Maori symbol or
something?
Judith: No, but I want one!
Loretta: You got any tattoos, Andy?
Andy: No.
Loretta: You should get a Union Jack tattoo.
Andy: If I got a Union Jack tattooed on my ass I'd be a jackass!

one way

“It’s what is known as a faux pas.”
Andy on the questionable decision to place the emergency exit sign above the entry to the tiny Board Room which has no way out

all I need is the air that I breathe...

"We need an oxygen tank in 'ere..."
Andy attempts to explain the afternoon slump

[Natalie yawns]

Andy: "[anxiously] Geez, leave some for someone else - there's not enough to go 'round in 'ere!"

it's a girl thing

"Marie Claire, right? Was that, like, two chicks who started that up?"
After a long silence Andy weighs in at an almost all-girl brainstorming session for a new athletics mag aimed at women

silky smooth for spring

"I think my legs are starting to self-shave," Andy announces, pulling up his jeans-leg. "My calves are all shiny..."

andy's theory of relativity

"Green tea tastes like sesame oil. I like sesame oil. Therefore, I like green tea."
Andy contemplates the strange new beverage he has been handed at the morning meeting

mojo returns

“Yeah, you might hurt Tiff, but I might snap...”
Andy is tentative about his return to lunchtime runs

LATER...

Andy: “Yeah, I’m excited! I’m f---ing pumped!”
Loz: “Are you gonna make it Andy?”
Andy: [sounding less pumped now] “I don’t know...”

one for the girls

“Lib-brah, Lee-Bra...” Anna tries out variations on a client’s name

"Imagine if your name was Lee Bra," Andy muses. "If my surname was Turner and I had a daughter, I’d call her Paige! Do you get it?"

baa baa black sheep

"I've had it all, man." Ange, talking hair. "I've had Cassy's length--"
"Really?" Suzi is shocked.
"Yeah, rock star!" Ange affirms.
"Did you wear flannies back then?"
"Y-yes..." Ange quietly.
"Why did you say it like that? Sheepishly?" Cassy asks.
"Because I like... sheep."

ange's last stand

“Go out, get para…” Ange’s advice for a slow Tuesday night.
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea…” Cassy warily.
“Well don’t get para, get half-para – like a half-marathon.”

***

“What actually happened? Was there smoke, or…?”
Rubesch surveys the plastic shell that was Andy’s computer.

“Smoke? I wish!” Ange enthuses.

***

Ange is singing the praises of buying full price shoes at the Converse Store vs DFO. There are countless more designs to choose from, the only catch is the price.

“Yeah, but $250?" Cassy needs some more convincing before she will abandon DFO. "That’s a weekend at Meredith right there…”

“Well you can’t compare it to running nude, I guess…” Ange concedes.

*This week: Andy & Ange face off

angeisms

“He used to cop it at school, the canteen lady used to write ‘Coon’ instead of ‘Con’, he used to crack it…”
Ange laughs at the memory of his brother's tuck shop angst

“I don’t blame him," Cassy sympathises. "Did she learn eventually?”

“Hey, she was working in the kitchen with the cheese and stuff, it’s an easy mistake.”
Ange, suddenly conciliatory

***

“I use ‘Ange’ on my license, is that a no-no?
“I don’t think so, as long as you use your real name on your passport. What do you use on your passport?”
“Ange-lo.”
“So what’s your real name?”
“I don’t know…”

***

After Ange shares the heartbreaking true story of his pet dog who was poisoned by angry neighbours when Ange was just 12, Sim mentions a pet cat she had who died from eating snail pellets.

“Cats don’t bark...” Ange, confused

***

“Move your guns!” Sue to Ange

***

*Ange is in Andy's seat this week

getting to know you, getting to know all about you...

Leigh-Ann: So what do you do, Ange?
Ange: Junk mail.

Later…

Cassy: Hey Ange, do you get offended by ‘No Junk Mail’ signs?
Ange: Nah, I just rip ‘em off. I run past 1000 houses a day, just ripping ‘em off…

*Ange is in Andy’s seat this week

from the book of andy

"Appease. It’s the first word that comes into my head in the morning."

"You’ve got to grab what fallen stars there are and put ‘em in your pocket."

memories

Andy is telling the story of how he discovered whistling.

It begins back when he was a wee boy in England. Every morning an old man would stroll by his bedroom window, whistling, just as a young Andy was waking up...

“It transcended through my window and into my lobes and it just resonated. It went from a faint to loud and then faded out again as he passed by.”

true original

Andy is whistling Barbara Streisand’s Memories, adding an extra syllable or two to the chorus line

Sim: That was one too many [whistles]

Andy: Yeah, I just didn’t want to get done for copyright, oright?

animal rights

"It’s one thing not to be a slave to an animal, it’s another thing to throw it out of an aeroplane."
He may not like cats, but Andy knows where to draw the line when it comes to donkeys

hi ho, hi ho

"You're making waves, Andy."
Leigh-Ann warns Andy, whose tendency to whistle while he works has colleagues baying for his blood

Andy: "Well... why make ripples?"

andy's world cup wrap up

"Boring as batsh*t... it was like watching two old farts playing chess."
A disappointed and highly caffeinated Andy reviews the uneventful final showdown between the Netherlands and Spain

ideas man

"You know if you have an idea of any description, right? You write to Richard Branson and he will action it."
Andy, admiringly

many rivers to cross

"...Transatlantic journey-"
Andy, describing his commute to work

"You mean trans-Yarra journey?"

"The Yarra's like the Atlantic - as many people have died in it."

the wind in his hair

"So you go over the pedestrian walkway, past the taxi rank, past the kebab shop..."
Andy describing his traffic-free run

“By Greensy Plaza?”

"I don't want to be near commercialism when I’m running, y’know? I wanna smell the air, hear the birds…"

waxing limerick

“Looking down the barrel of my throat...”
Andy remixes an old Depeche Mode classic

"There's nothing wrong with my arteries, alright, my arteries are as sweet as the barrel of a gun."

"to think like the man, you must become the man..."

on slow days at the office, we look to andy to save us, but to whom does andy turn for inspiration?

namaste

Andy attempts to identify a yoga pose:
Andy: What’s that one where you bend over?
Bewildered colleague: The one where you bend over…?
Andy: You know, you look like a giraffe without a head?

under the milky way tonight

"Did you see the moon last night, Andy?"
"Nah, I was busy."

wwjd = what would joyce do?

"Joyce had no choice."
Andy defends a much-loved former Sainburys colleague

shoes maketh the man

“Shoes make up 50% of your first impression of a person.”
Andy insists. “When you go to an interview you look at a person [makes eye contact], you look at their shoes [looks down].”

“What do these say about me, Andy?”
A colleague kicks up her flat black boots and awaits Andy’s judgement

“What do they say? German military.”

easy listening

Andy's review of the royalty-free music playing on the website of a popular sports photographer:
"It starts off classic and warms you to the moment. Very Scottish. Features a cacophony of strings, supremely balanced by the odd whistling pigeon."
Loz: "What did you say about the melody, Andy?"
Andy: "I don't know... [bird whistles]"

word perfect

Loz: Andy, is that a '1' or an 'i'?
Andy: I don't really know, next time I'll have to dot my 'i's and cross my eyes.

the self-referential blog post

Andy’s colleague #1: Has the blog been updated?
Andy’s colleague #2: Actually, it was updated this morning for the first time in about two weeks! It’s been a sad couple of weeks for us all here...
Andy: What did you update?
Andy’s colleague #2: You’ll have to log on and find out, Andy.
Andy [unconvinced]: It’s like blowing my own trumpet. You have to tell me – you guys are like my disciples, and I’m Jesus. [pause] Am I Jesus?

the who wants to be a millionaire question that stumped andy

Which item belonged to Captain Corelli?

1. a mandela
2. a mandala
3. a mandolin
4. a mandarin

reflections on a windowless workplace

“It’s like being in a casino, without the fun. Or the money.”

very busy and important

Loz: “Andy, you could do that now.”
Andy: “Suddenly I feel like a VB.”
Loz: “It would take three minutes.”
Andy: “I don’t have three minutes. Currently, I’m walking to the printer...”

how many can you do?

“Don’t shoot the messenger, alright, but better the devil you know. Bring back Connex. I’m sick to the back teeth of it.”
Andy achieves a new personal best in cliché concentration

hey, big spender

On the train ride home, Andy tells Leigh-Ann that on the weekend he did something he's never done before.
“That sounds interesting, what was it?”
“I bought two items of clothing in one go. I was unstoppable.”

photo finish

"Look at that, someone submitted a picture of a lamb, that's pitiful. I have a picture of a tree, should I have submitted that and called it 'Country Victoria'?"
According to Andy, some entries in Tourism Australia's 'There's Nothing Like Australia' photo comp leave a lot to be desired

newsflash

"Andy supercedes British tabloids... no, no, Andy trumps British tabloids!"
Andy saves time by writing his own blog caption for his winning political headline: 'Black Day For Brown'

blessed is he who forgets his own jokes, for he will never cease to be amused

“Well, whoever said that, it was funny.”
Andy, temporarily struck by amnesia, on having one of his own quotes explained to him

friday arvo wrap up

"You don't need to reinvent the wheel you just need to loosen the knot."

"I have a fleeting brain."

"It's just trying to express its feelings, orright?"
Andy fielding complaints about a particularly repetitive Depeche Mode track

"This place is getting more contrived every day."
The pressure of his new role as Human Quote Generator begins to get to Andy

such a smooth operator

On a colleague's new dress:
“You look like a cushion.”
Long weekends spent sifting through cushion patterns in homewares stores have taken their toll on Andy

Later, when they almost collide in an aisle, Andy steps aside:
“Cushions first.”

he works hard for the money

"I came into work this morning to take my computer off sleep only to put it back on sleep. That's my first order of business."
Andy heading out the door for his morning coffee five minutes after arriving at the office - late

take heed 'cause i'm a lyrical poet

“As you could, as you would, and as you should.”
Andy on hearing about an enterprising 12 year old who sold photocopied Vanilla Ice lyrics for twenty cents a piece at a primary school in Cape Town

a chip off the old block

What Andy Cumming would name his son if he had one: Max Potential Cumming.

burning questions

"Do you play recorder? Do you tingle the triangle?"
Andy attempts to suss out a colleague's musical talents

tough day at the office

"I was rolling around that place like a bloody Tasmanian devil and taking photos like you wouldn't believe. I was the hardest worker there between 12.30 and 1pm and if anyone deserved a coffee, it was me."

the eternal paradox

“Logic can be, sometimes, misleading…”

whatever floats your boat

“It hits a nerve and rings a bell."
Andy on the strong points of his fave magazine ad

the black hole

“I need to do some intellectual stuff. My brain capacity’s dwindling at a rate that’s equivalent to the ever expanding Universe. That’s pretty quick!”

fond farewell

“You should make like a chicken and leave.”

all in the family

“Why don’t you go home, put your keys in a basket and go, ‘Recognise that, Dad?’”
Andy on how to find out if your Dad is a swinger

friday blues

“Well the weekend’s just gone from worse to shit.”
Andy at 5 o’clock on Friday after learning his plan to have ‘a few jars’ with a mate on the train is no more